Settlers of Catan
In the Berlin conference it is decided that all European peoples shall be partitioned a part of Africa as their inalienable birthright. No Nationality will be left wanting, no matter how timid the nation or how small its populace.
France, Portugal and Britain receive their fair share of the Southern Continent. However the designers of universal borders do not stop there: the other great Powers should also be conferred their own territories. Russian Ambonia. Danish Katanga. Austrian Oromia. The names spring up from the calipers of the great geometers.
The smaller nations must also be apportioned land according to their worth. Malta receives the Caprivi strip. Iceland an inslet at the coast of Mayotte. Albania receives 2 perfectly drawn circles - one in the Ghardhaian desert, the other in the middle of the Transvaal. Liechtenstein is alloted the Southern face of Mt. Stanley and the left Bank of a small tributary of the Okavango.
The non-independent people's of Europe must also receive their fair share. The Latvians are endowed a peripatetic territory, following the migrations pattern of a specific Elephant's herd. The Galician colony encompasses everywhere a young Maasai hunter can reach with his spear. The Finnish throw a dart at the map and get wherever it lands. How unlucky! It falls right on the Ubangui delta.
An Akan witch-doctor dreams of a landscape: there are trees and valleys and beautiful uncultivated fields. He wakes up and describes his dream to his son, then immediately dies. These are the borders of the Lithuanian's colony, to be taken as soon as that country can find it.
Separate conferences are organised to decide who qualifies as an European. The Lak, Chechen and Abkhaz representatives plead their cases, but their rights are not recognised. No matter, they all receive Diego Garcia and there they still remain, each greedily eyeing each other's territory from their sides of the island. The Sami also fill in their request. Their petition is judged valid, and the Finnish government ships them to their new home in the Western Sahara.
Against great heckling from the public, the Jews are given their Zion in Africa: Wherever they can get 10 adult men in a room, there will they have self-determination.
The Corsicans get every sidewalk in Africa, the Sicilians every plantain stand, the Ungrians every poetry writing classroom, the Aromanians every badminton court, the Arbereshe every sulfur spring, the Basques every leprosarium.
By the end of the partition, the great table is emptied out of its treaties and maps, and the head of the Pommeranian delegation sits on top of it. Four Swahili porters raise both from the ground and carry him outside the Berliner palace. They board a ship and head to Africa, and wherever they can walk without the four feet of the table touching the ground, that is decreed to be the perpetual homeland of the Pommeranian people.